I wish I could start over

They say refusal, doesn't really make things refused but means someone just "refuses to see the truth"
I guess you could say that is where I am. I hate to sound depressive , in fact I try not to. I tell myself every minute that so many others harbor worse pain, fight much tougher battles. My frustration is that I am 35 and I feel like a very old person. My spine hurts. Like this morning, I physically couldn't get "Right" out of bed, it was serious work. My back had not flexibility, like someone put a steel rob up my spine, I was so stiff, and I am stiff ALL DAY.
I forget things, I'm not talking, to many kids, to much stuff going on, you do it to, I'm talking, I forget names of people that I think about yet can vision, I forget hot to get places, why I'm at the store, and it's getting worse. Since I got that epidural, my back muscles spasm. My right shoulder is always hurt and sore yet nobody looks into it.

I find with the diagnosis with Fibromyalgia is it gets the blame for ever ache and pain, and although that maybe true, what if it's not? I have 40 lbs to lose and now I am not 5 weeks of rest? Not to mention REST..is horrible for osteoSTIFFNESS. And even not, the days of hard core working out are over. I'm 35.

Tonight I went to the gym and passed it up by 3 exits before I realize I went to far. I turned around got back on the highway and got to the gym. I forgot my wallet, no water for me. I go to the pool, as it's the only thing I'm *allowed* to do for now and there is a HUGE mass of pro-swimmer adults taking up the entire pool. So I left.

I can't tell you how many times I want to say "I don't want to do this anymore", and today, my dr. is referring me to a physical therapist and Scott reminded me that is another $50.0o to walk in. I have a stack of medical bills for me, more for my kids. NONE of which are getting paid.

It is hard enough to find the thrill of wanting to grace this earth everyday, but now I have become a financial burden to my family. Not only do I feel like hell, I do far more less with my boys, now with the economy, my husbands sinking job, my health is playing a financial toll. My meds are crazy, the copays are just amazingly ridiculous.

I have an Endocrinologist appt, referred by the Spine & Pain Management dr, and my family dr. says she sees no reason for me to go. Do I go or not go? Obviously a endocrinologist seems almost useless about my osteoarthritis, but what about the fact that my health has went to the shit pot since 2004.

Sigh. The end of this for now